Friday, September 08, 2006

The Top 5 Worst Beers You May Be Drinking

5. Bud Light
This is only to be drank when given out for free. And in the can.

Let's say you’re tailgating for the Huey Lewis & The News concert and the crew you’re with has a cooler full of Bud Light, then dive right in and begin discussing whether Huey is going to open with “Hip To Be Square” or “The Power of Love.” Otherwise, stay away.

For starters, it is impossible to get drunk on Bud Light. It has a %4.2 alcohol content, which is just slightly higher than a bottle of Robotussin. The only beer you may ever drink with less alcohol is Amstel Light (%3.5). You'd get a better buzz by licking my kitchen floor.

I am a huge fan of the much more robust Budweiser heavy. Anyone ordering a glass pint of Bud Light should have the keg slammed into their crotch.

Tastes like: Sand
90210 star most likely to drink it: Brandon Walsh

4. Michelob Ultra
Let’s be honest. Anheuser-Busch is a marketing genius for targeting a beer toward every weight-paranoid freak in America.

Mic Ultra is not just a bad beer, it’s a gimmick, a hard curve ball thrown by some marketing faggot who gets paid a huge salary to take advantage of your physical insecurities.

Tastes like: Gym socks.
90210 star most likely to drink it: Donna Martin

3. Samuel Adams
In Middle School you associated Sam Adams with the Intolerable Acts and the Boston Tea Party. In college you associated Sam Adams with a bar named Tasty World and a sorority girl named Allison. By the time you were in your late 20s, anything remotely factual you learned about Adams in school is lost, pushed deep into the recesses of your brain by 12-packs of Summer Ale. Isn’t history fun?

Sam Adams beer is essentially like the tricycle of lager beers. For those American beer drinking assholes, it’s a dangerous - yet safe - play. Ohhhhh! A micro-brew! From Boston! What a joke.

If you gave Sam Adams to someone in a bar in Ireland they would kick you in the knee and call you a pussy.

I wonder when Sam Adams was making a difference as the governor of Massachuessets if he ever knew there would be a shitty beer named after him?

Tastes like: The inside of Paul Revere’s shorts
90210 star most likely to drink it: David Silver

2. Rolling Rock
Have you ever been invited to someone’s house for dinner and they have prepared a special dish or desert. They make a big spectacle of the moment and demand you try it. You put it in your mouth and it tastes like a bicycle chain. Yet, you still have to smile and pretend to like it?

This is how I feel whenever someone gives me a Rolling Rock. Anhueser-Busch bought this shit from a tiny Pennsylvania brewery in May, giving you even more reason to hate it. Anhueser-Busch rivals McDonalds for making billions of dollars off of shitty products.

Rolling Rock sucks you with smoke and mirrors. The green bottle gives the illusion of a tasty beer. Perhaps you mistaken if for Heineken (and you would have to be stinking drunk to do so). Then they spend a few million dollars to have Rolling Rock beers appear in the movie “Old School.” Now, you’re being seduced by the big advertising wand.

Tastes like: Gravel (hence, the name Rolling Rock)
90210 star most likely to drink it: Matt Durning/Kelly Taylor

1. Miller Lite
I wonder if people who drink Miller Lite have decided on their own this is a great tasting beer, or do they drink it because they’ve subconsciously fallen victim to the $80 million Miller Brewing spends in advertising each year to make you feel good about Miller Lite.

You see, everyone who drinks Miller Lite is a tool. In 2000, Miller underwent a major management shake-up. Their sales were stagnant. They came up with a new ad campaign. Ever since, they have produced some of the funniest - and provocative - ads on TV. Miller Lite ads are great. They are cool. They make you laugh. They make you feel good.

So when you go to the bar, and you see that familiar blue and gold Miller Lite label, your subconscious associates that label with good feelings. It’s like Pavlov’s dog.

Miller Lite = feeling good.

So you order a bunch of them, blind to the fact that the aroma is skunked and the beer tastes like cooked cabbage and corn.

You are a tool. A victim of advertising. Somewhere in Milwaukee, a guy in a suit gets paid $500,000 to make sure you feel good enough about Miller Lite that you buy it. You are now his bitch.

Tastes like: Urine
90210 star most likely to drink it: Steve Sanders.

Want to taste real beer? Go order a Newcastle, Red Stripe, Heineken, Sammy Smith’s Oatmeal Stout, Sierra Nevada, Flying Dog, Blue Moon or Beck’s.

That’s what I’m on my way to do.


At 8:21 AM, Blogger Camaro said...

good list but i'm going to have to disagree on Sam Adam's...especially their Summer Ale.

If you are talking swag light beer, they is not better by than Coors Light. Its the cadillac of piss beer. Something to be proud of.

At 7:44 AM, Blogger mwdowns said...

You haven't tasted piss beer until you've tried "haposhu," which technically isn't really beer at all--it's made from soy beans fer christ's sake. Unfortunately a lot of folks coming over to Japan are fooled by the fact that haposhu is packaged the same way beer is, is stocked next to the beer selections in the convenience stores, and is labeled in Japanese (not a problem since we are in Japan and all, but those fresh off the boat usually can't read Japanese and thus spend a good deal of their first months in Japan thinking Japanese beer sucks). Once you gain a little experience in country or study a bit of Japanese writing, you notice that haposhu doesn't have the Japanese word for beer (ビール) anywhere on the can. Only real beer has that word on the can.

At 1:58 PM, Blogger Bditty said...

What aboout old crow? Old crow rocks!

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