Is This Porn, Or The Weather Channel?

I think Maxim Magazine is the most juvenile publication out there.

It is aesthetically appealing, I suppose, because it’s pages are graced with bony models slipping out of their underwear.

But the editorial content in the magazine rivals the Weekly Reader I was forced to read in 3rd grade.

The articles largely revolve around manipulating your girlfriend.

Some examples are, “How to get your girlfriend to have a three-way” or “How to convince your girlfriend into watching porn with you” or “How to watch the big game on the night of your 2-year anniversary.”

Maxim basically just feeds the worst appetites of men. And tons of dudes love it. Not me.

I don’t like Maxim girls. I don’t even like Playboy girls. How could I?

I’ve already given my heart away … to The Weather Channel Girls.

You see, it doesn't take great vision to ogle Shakira's ass or Carmen Electra’s tits. Their sexuality is obvious. You have to look well beyond the fire light to capture the beauty of TWC Girls.

When I watch Kristina Abernathy describe how the unusually northern flow of the jet stream is going to bring lake effect snow to areas of Buffalo … something inside me feels alive.

The Weather Channel is unquestionably the hub for hot women. In terms of variety … it is second to none.

It starts with Alexandra Steele, co-host of “Evening Edition.” If I have to choose between watching Sharon Stone ride Michael Douglas over on HBO or Steele’s Weekend Planner on TWC, I go with Steele 10 times out of 10.

Steele has stunning facial features and resembles the hot soccer mom in your neighborhood. Her signature wardrobe is a tight silk top, and often times, it looks like a slick janitor (or savvy producer) has turned up the AC in the building.

For those into younger, curvier women, look no further than Stephanie Abrams, a former Hollywood of the East Coast resident. Abrams' breakthrough performance came during Hurricane Season 2005.

Abrams, a staple on TWC’s roster of reporters in the field, was frequently seen being hammered by 80-m.p.h. winds and pelted with rain while wearing the tightest t-shirt I have ever seen. Instantly, the barometric pressure began rising in thousands of living rooms across America.

The clincher is that Abrams (and all of the TWC Girls) is articulate, smart and well informed, unlike such television boob-puppets as ESPN's Erin Andrews or CBS' Jill Arrington.

If you’re into exotic women, TWC’s deep roster has you covered. Take a peek at Vivian Brown, a former track standout at Jackson State University. Let's not forget Jennifer Lopez, Kim Perez and Eboni Deon.

All told, these TWC Girls exude sexuality, further evidenced by their porn-star like names. I mean, Alexandra Steele? Are you serious? How about Jennifer Lopez, Betty Davis and Kelly Cass? (For fun: Do a Google search for images of Alexandra Steele and watch the stunning amount of porn appear on your computer).

I know I’m not alone in my obsession of TWC Girls. Has anyone else noticed these women have collectively been pregnant about 328 times over the past five years?

One day, Kristina Abernathy is looking like the money. A few weeks later, she’s carrying a keg in her stomach.

These women are always knocked up. It appears someone is slipping them a stiff one while we’re enjoying some light jazz and watching Local on the 8s.

We’re getting the 7-day forecast, and Jeanneta Jones is getting 7 inches.

I blame Jim Cantore. He looks like a complete womanizer, and I’ve noticed the increased sexual tension building on the set between him and Steele during “Evening Edition.”

There’s no way two attractive people can work with such chemistry on the set and not have that electricity spill over into the bedroom.

It’s only natural, and, of course, weather is all about natural forces.

In many ways, I respect Cantore. I also am fanatical about Dave Schwartz, Mark Mancuso and Jeff Morrow (whom I’ve actually met).

These guys don’t need Maxim. They work with the hottest women in show business.