Is Everyone A Lesbian?

I'm lying in bed. It's late. I'm trying to sleep.

By "trying to sleep", I mean I'm just lying there waiting to lose consciouness.

Then, I hear a woman moan through the wall behind me.

The moment you hear someone having sex, you do a double take, much like the first time you hear the wedding singer in Old School drop the F-Bomb while singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

Curious, I placed my ear to the wall. Indeed, my neighbor was presumably getting a stiff one.

Two nights later I heard my neighbor getting fucked again. This piqued my curiosity because I had never seen my neighbor.

But now that I've listened to her getting fucked, I was extremely curious to see what she looked like ... and maybe even what the dude who was slamming her looked like, too.

Finally, I got a glimpse of her just yesterday. As I'm leaving my complex, I see her door open. The moment of truth. What came out of the door stunned me: Two girls, holding hands.

















This threw my mind into upheaval. What I had actually been listening to through my wall was nothing close to what I thought I was listening to.

I suddenly felt like Banky in the movie Chasing Amy when he says to Alyssa, "You just said fuck to that girl. You said you were going to fuck her. Were you talking about strap-ons or something?"

This was so predictable, though. It has been happening a lot to me lately. One of the most beautiful women I have ever seen was in line in front of me at the deli a few weeks ago and next to her was her short-haired, lesbian lover. They held not hands, but pinky fingers. Yeah.

There was also another woman I see frequently whom one of my friends works with. I had always thought she was hot, but I had never actually met her. When I tell my friend of my attraction, he goes, "Oh, she's gay."

Not only that, but he kicks me in the balls with this follow up statement. "Did you hear about her and Sarah P? Yeah, they used to hook up."

"What?" I stammered.

I, too, liked Sarah P. Here's two women I was interested in, and they're fucking each other. If it's any consolation, my friend says that "Sarah P. might be willing to throw a guy into the mix."

Apparently, Sarah P. occasionally craves the dick. The others, it seems, are hard-core lesbians. Isn't everybody these days. The U.S. Government's Center For Health Research determined, in a 2002 study, that 11 percent of women ages 14-45 reported having a "sexual experience of some kind" with another woman.

I'm pretty confident most of these women live in my town. One of them lives right next door.