Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Accused Ramsey killer admits being mastermind behind Diet Pepsi Jazz

(The following is not a news story, but originial satire from Blowing Smoke).

LOS ANGELES - (BS) Accused JonBenet Ramsey killer John Mark Karr made another horrifying confession Tuesday when he admitted to authorities that he is the mastermind behind the new soft drink,"Diet Pepsi Jazz."

The confession comes almost one week after Karr admitted to killing 6-year-old JonBenet Ramsey 10 years ago in Boulder, Colo.

"Killing a little girl is one thing, but creating something as offensive as Diet Pepsi Jazz is just downright evil," said Los Angeles attorney Stephen Goldberg. "Diet Pepsi Jazz is the soda industry's 9-11."

Goldberg said Karr made the confession after authories found nostalgic cans of New Coke and Crystal Pepsi in his Thailand apartment.

Police said a seizure of Karr's computer showed his obsession with flavored colas. Found on the computer were instructions on how to make Mountain Dew Code Red, Pepsi Blue, Pepsi Rasberry, Surge, Coca Cola C2 and Coke Zero.

Karr is also believed to have posted in numerous cola chat rooms under the handles DietCherryVanillaPepsi_Co2 and ObeyYourThirst4829.

Court records also indicate Karr was cited in Tuscaloosa, Ala., in 1990 for stealing a six-pack of Pepsi Twist from a Grab-N-Go convenience store.

"This is a sick, sick individual," Goldberg said. "He belongs behind bars where he can no longer terrify the public with his carbonated propaganda."

Diet Pepsi Jazz, flavored with strawberries and cream, hit supermarkets last week to poor reviews.

Sherry Kirkpatrick passed over Diet Pepsi Jazz in favor of two 12-packs of Diet Sprite and a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper Tuesday at Albertson's in Newport Beach. Kirkpatrick said she tried Diet Pepsi Jazz last week.

"It has everything I'm looking for in a soda - unhealthy levels of sugar, addictive levels of caffeine and toxic acidity levels," she said. "I just wish it didn't taste like a bag of charcoal."

Karr is facing two life sentances in the Rasmey murder and seventeen life sentences for creating Diet Pepsi Jazz.

2 Comments:

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Bditty said...

Raping little kids and killing them is one thing, but I draw the line at creating shitty soft drinks. THis guy needs to be drawn and quartered for his acts against humanity. Joseph Goebbels and Adolf Hitler have nothing on this twisted fuck.

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger Kapps said...

This guy is in real trouble when he enters the big house. He shouldnt be as worried about Bubba violating him, as he should Bubba violating him with a diet pepsi jazz bottle. Business end first.

 

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