Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Random Hostility

Some days, society just makes you shake your head and say, “How fucking stupid is everybody?” For me, this happens about every 30 minutes … or every 30 seconds if I’m near a TV.

Anyway, I thought it would be therapeutic to let all the anger out. The following is a series called Random Hostility. It’s a steady diet of societal failures.

The “Miss Universe” pageant
Am I the only one who thinks this is the most arrogant and naïve name ever given to a contest?

Miss Universe? Let's just stick with Miss Earth.

It is plain to see there is other intelligent life in the universe (there are an estimated 70 sextillion stars in the universe similar to our sun). Yet, we humans are arrogant enough to presume the winner of our “Miss Universe” pageant is the most superior female species of intelligent life IN THE UNIVERSE! What a joke.

No other contest is this arrogant. Even our American sporting championships declare the winners as world champions, not universal champions. Muhammed Ali was never delcared Heavyweight Champion of the Universe.

Nonetheless, stripping the Miss Universe event of it’s credibility is somewhat of an elementary task, especially given that one of the judges in the 2006 contest this past week was Tom Green, the comedian who was pretty funny for 6 weeks in the summer of 2000 and whose career was officially pronounced dead in 2005 when he starred in the children’s TV movie, Bob The Butler.

The contestants, as it turns out, have even less substance than the judges. This is evidenced by this year's winner, Puerto Rico’s Zuleyka Rivera, who fainted shortly after being announced Miss Universe Sunday. Rivera was picked as the most impressive female throughout the far reaches of the ethos ... and she faints. I am not impressed.

These contestants are an embarrassment to women everywhere. The Miss Universe website says the participants are “savvy, goal-oriented and aware.” Last time I checked, no one who is “savvy” and “aware” faints.

And “goal-oriented?” Holy crap. That phrase sucks. All you need to know about that phrase is that Osama bin Laden is also very “goal-oriented.”

Finally, more contradictions. The web site lists what past winners are doing now, as if to validate the contest. I figure these past winners, who are apparently the most impressive female species among the 100 billion galaxies in this Universe, would be achieving profound things. So I randomly click on one.

She is Miss Universe 2002, Justine Penak of Panama. Her write up:

An ambassador in her country, Justine continues to travel the world on behalf of Panama to promote its culture, history and resources. She also continues to model and dedicate time to her new puppy, Molly.

Translation: She went to Europe and slept with a French waiter named Pierre. She appeared in an advertisement for hand soap before her life became so void of meaning she went out and got a dog and named it Molly.

In my opinion, the only thing that could be worse than the Miss Universe pageant would be if they held a contest for World's Greatest Grandpa.

Tip the counter help?
I don’t tip counter help. Sorry. Standing behind a counter and moving 3 inches to the left to swipe my debit card does not deserve a tip. Greedy fucks. Besides, I'm the one doing all the work. I have to enter my pin number, press whether or not I want money back, press whether or not the amount shown is the correct amount, etc., etc. Maybe I'll tip myself.

Besides, what’s going to happen if I don’t tip the shaggy-haired, 18-year-old behind the counter at The Pita Pit? Is he not going to take my money next time? The tip jar, and the tip line on debit card receits are insulting. Fuck off.

If you want a tip go bartend or wait tables you fucks.

Too many bags
Speaking of cashiers, next time I go to the store and buy a stick of deodorant, I don’t need a big plastic bag, thanks.

I have 10 fingers and two arms, and enough wherewithall to handle a 3 oz bar of Speed Stick without it being placed in a bag.

Last week, I bought a paperback book from Barnes & Noble. They put the book in a plastic bag. Let me reiterate. They put a book in a big bag.

Really? A book in a bag? For a second there, I thought I was going to have to ask the stockman to help me carry this book out to my car.

Women who park on curbs
This fucking pisses me off. Women who have huge, expensive cars and lack the skills to drive them.

Have you ever seen a woman pull into the front parking spot and completely fail in the whole geometry of the manuever?

The result is her back right tire resting up on the curb. It is not pretty. Three wheels on the ground, one resting on top of a Palmetto bush. Hey, sounds like Miss Universe material. This reminds me of my favorite Rodney Dangerfield quote: "How come my wife can spot a blonde hair at 20 yards, but everytime she comes home she misses the garage door?"

The strange dichotomy of women in big, expensive cars is this: I know a few women who have bought themselves big SUVs. These women are all excellent drivers. The ones who suck at driving and parking are the ones who have had someone else (i.e. Daddy or their husband) buy them these huge SUVs. This phenomenon should be delved deeper into.

Inverse plural
Anyone who uses the inverse plural deserves to have an umbrella stuck up their ass and opened. For those who need a short primer, the inverse plural is a complete abortion of the English language. It’s when someone adds an extra “s” to a proper noun.

For instance, Karen might tell you she is going to go purchase the new Wilson Phillips CD at Best Buys. She says this in spite of the fact the store is called Best Buy.

Your name is Karen. I don't call you Karens.

Other nouns frequently fucked over by the inverse plural include:

Barnes & Noble(s)
Oscar Mayer(s)
Olive Garden(s)
Everybody Loves Raymond(s)
Krispy Kreme(s)
Blockbuster(s) - (in referrence to the video store).
Nestle(s) Crunch
Sam Goody(s)
J.C. Penny(s)
Ruby Tuesday(s)

Failing at the drive-thru
Folks, if the window on the driver’s side of your car doesn’t roll down, you should not be allowed to drive through at fast food restaurants. Simple philosophy. Maybe you should Value-Size your auto-mechanic bill.

Thank you. I feel much better, now.


At 2:11 PM, Blogger Bditty said...

What about those faggots who try to tell you that you need jesus and shit like that? They should be tarred and feathered like they used to do to reasoning folks back in the dizzay

At 8:10 PM, Blogger kapps said...

thank you bditty. perhaps you forgot that jesus saves.

and that inverse plural bit is a hoot

At 9:50 PM, Blogger snwod said...

You forgot Bi-Los, Symms.

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