E-mailed Baby Pictures Are Complete Abortions

I would hate to be born today.

It has nothing to do with the sadness of being born into a world where news of pop singer Aaron Carter breaking off his engagement with his brother's ex-girlfriend grabs bigger headlines than the war in Iraq.

No, I would hate to be born today because, inevitably, shortly after my birth dozens of people would be receiving e-mailed pictures of my sorry ass. E-mailed baby pictures are complete abortions of the digital age.

In the past few months, I have too many baby pictures e-mailed to me from people I barely fucking know. The hoopla that surrounds newborn babies doesn't interest me. Throw digital cameras and e-mail into the mix, and it is a dangerous concoction.

Let me preface this by making a quick point: There are many very important people in my life who I greatly care about. And when some of them have had kids, I am very moved by the experience. This is not about you.

I am talking about the baby picutres I get from the third cousin of the people who lived next door to my family when I was 12 years old. I'm talking about the baby pictures I get from that person I hung out with for two weeks during my sophomore year of college.

When I get these e-mails, I'm usually one of about 100 people on the e-mail list. This is rude. There's no possible way 100 people care about your new kid. I sure don't.

For starters, every kid looks the same when they are 1-day old. Their faces are bloated. They have a stocking cap on despite the fact they are in a climate-controlled room. Closed eyelids. No hair. No distinguishing physical characteristics. Nothing.

Do you know why sometimes parents accidently take the wrong baby home from the hospital? Because they all look the fucking same.

Why send me a picture of this?

And they all look like they're ready to piss themselves because they have no idea what is going on.

I mean, they just shot out of a vagina. That would scare anybody. All you know for nine months is a uterus that is warm and dark. All of your meals are delivered directly into your body. Suddenly, you pass through a vagina and you're in a loud room with alien-looking people, bright lights and flashbulbs going off every two seconds.

It's like being abducted by aliens.

This is not a happy time for a baby. I guess, however, there is an allure to the peace and tranquility of a newborn. When most people (women) look at a baby, they go, 'Awwww.'

Not me. When I see a baby, I am more realistic. I'm thinking that one day this little girl is going to expose her breasts to hundreds of drunk, horny men on Spring Break in Cancun. Or one day this little boy is going to break into my car and steal my entire CD collection.

I guess my point is this: Hitler was a cute-as-shit baby (see actual Hitler baby picture on the left. What a doll!)

I guess all of this makes me think of one of my favorite lines from comedian David Cross.

"A lot of my friends have kids now. They tell me having a baby is hard. They say, 'Oh, having a baby is so hard.' No, it's not. Talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion ... that's hard. You're just inconvenienced."