Unwritten Rules of the Men's Room

Women have no clue.

I learned a long time ago never to make this assumption. But there is one element of a man’s life women can’t, and won’t, understand: The unwritten book of the men’s room.

I realize many women have been in a men's room, typically to avoid the wait for the women’s room. This doesn’t count. Behavior is decidedly different when women are in the men's room (usually all the guys just stand around and make third-grade observations: "Dude, there’s two chicks in the stall!")

So what is it really like when it’s only a bunch of dudes in there? Well, I’m about to tell you.

The most interesting phenomena in men’s room culture concerns the difference in behavior between a men's room at a bar and the one in the office. Men pissing next to each other in a bar are extremely chatting. Total strangers striking up conversation while sharing a piss.

Men hitting the urinals at work, however, don’t talk at all. Silence while you piss next to your neighboring cubicle-mate.

At a bar you’re standing next to a complete stranger, the two of you waving your hogs around, chatting each other up. At the office, a place where time is, evidently, money, we waste time pissing next to co-workers without communicating. Fascinating.

Another interesting phenomena about men’s room subculture is the different types of patrons. Everyone has their own pissing style, much in the same way every basketball player has his own style and form on his jump shot. Everyone pisses differently. And that's fascinating to me. Here are some of the different kinds of pissers in men’s rooms.

• The Grunter - This is the person standing next to you at the urinals who is grunting as he relieves himself. It happens frequently, mostly at bars due to the urgency of having to rid your body of six Coronas and four car bombs. A grunters will approach the urinal, unzip, pull his Johnson out and begin moaning as he urinates, often while closing his eyes and rolling his head back. This is also the same guy who rests the forearm of his non-penis-holding hand on the wall above the urinal for extra support. Sometimes the head will come forward and rest on the forearm against the wall. You can relate to that level of relief.

• The Farter - It’s completely normal for human beings to have flatulence while urinating. It’s just hilarious when 58-year-old Henry Kirkpatrick from Accounts Receiving let’s one rip while his pissing next to you at work. The key is to fart loudly and confidently, to avoid any speculation that you were trying to hold it.

• The Head Turner - One of the unwritten rules at the urinal is to keep your head facing toward the wall in front of you (which often features the days sports page or a myraid of advertisements that include bikini-clad women with fake breasts who are prepared to challenge your manhood if you don't buy the product they're hawking). However, this code is not always obeyed. In fact, there are dudes who will turn their head to the side and look at you while talking. In order to feel comfortable, you then have to reluctantly turn your head and look him in the eye. Meanwhile, both of you have your cash and prizes hanging out, and in your hands. One of nature's more intimate moments.

• The Adventurer: Some men are impatient. So, at some point during the night, someone in line will introduce the idea of going in the sink or garbage can. This will become an entertaining 4-minute conversation, and, at some point, someone will be challenged to do it. Sadly, but not shockingly, it will end up occuring.
  

So, what are all these men talking about this whole time, women might ask? Well, men in bar restrooms will talk about one of four things (often in this order).

1. How drunk they are.
2. How they’re about to go back out and kick someone’s ass.
3. How bad they want to fuck some chicks.
   
4. At some point during your restroom trip, some dude will loudly yell: “I don’t give a FUCK!” And everyone will look at him in agreement.

My interest with public restrooms, however, is not limited to the people inside it. The lay-outs are equally fascinating. A most confusing paradox is the fact that every men's room in a bar will have at least stall. Let's face it, I've never taken a tequila shot with somebody who slammed the shot glass down on the bar, turned to me and said, "I'll be right back. I gotta take a dump." Some bars will have three stalls and one urinal, in case three people men need to dump simultaneously.

But there are some restrooms where dumping is not even an option. It is the king of all men’s rooms.

It is, The Trough. I imagine for those men who like pissing in sinks, this must be utopia.

Troughs are found in places where thousands of drunk and surly men must urinate in a short period of time - typically stadiums and concert ampitheaters.

The trough lay-out is clearly the most Neanderthal and barbaristic. It's simply a massive, silver tub that stretches all the way along a wall. Some can reach lengths of 40-50 feet. Then, a bunch of dudes line up and piss in it.

The great part about the trough is that there is no designated place to urinate. It’s a pissing free-for-all. We're expected to squeeze together, maybe throw an elbow into someone's rib, and piss everywhere! It's not much different from watching 50 pigs line up and try to all eat from a tiny trough.

Invariably, you are guaranteed to hear someone mooing in a trough restroom. I guess that's only appropriate. Urban Dictionary's definition of Urinal Trough.

For fun: The next time you're out on the town and come across the guy selling hot dogs on the sidewalk, walk up to him, point to his hot dog cart, and say, "You got a men's room in there?" It's worth it just to see his reaction.