Muffin Tops and Man Pants: A Fashion Primer

“They’re called muffin tops,” she said to me.

“What are you talking about,” I replied.

“Look,” she said, pointing to a woman at the bar.

And there is was. My first Muffin Top. Until this night I had no idea. But now I know. And I’d like you to know, too. If you don’t already.

Muffin Tops are a hilarious anomaly of women’s fashion. A Muffin Top is the roll of flesh that spills over a tight pair of pants worn by women. It looks like just a muffin bursting out of the pan.

It is hilarious, sexy and gross all at the same time. These women aren’t fat, mind you. Their pants are just too tight. I’m now entertained each day trying to spot Muffin Tops.

But Muffin Tops aren’t the only interesting aspect of women’s fashion to be on the look out for this Spring. My second favorite fashion trend is Man Pants.

You see, about three of four years ago, clothing stores such as J. Crew, Banana Republic and the Gap started selling woman’s pants that came down to the mid-calf. They were called Capri pants, a confusing hybrid of shorts and slacks.

Fashion, as it turns it, isn’t always about what people want to wear. It’s about what the major clothing chains are selling. American consumers are trained like dogs. Whatever you put in our face we will buy, mindless to the notion we may not like it.

So it was no shock women started buying Capri pants ad neaseum. Women, ultra-competitive about their appearance, had to keep up with the arms race. So those without Capris were forced to buy into the bizarre fashion trend.

Over the past few years, however, clothing stores have had to tweak their Capris. If you don't change the product, people will stop buying new clothes. So these stores simply raised the hem line.

It has reached a hilarious crescendo this spring. Every woman’s clothing outlet is now selling pants that end directly at or above the knee.

So now, through no fault other than economics, every woman I see this Spring looks like an LPGA golfer.

I don't hate Man Pants. Fashion isn't about what you wear, but how you wear it. However, there's no question seven years from now every woman wearing Man Pants or sporting a Muffin Top is going to look back and cry.

It will be more depressing than realizing you tight rolled the bottom of your jeans in the early 1990s.

Man Pants.

Muffin Tops.

What is next?