From the Mailbag: A Scene From Vegas

We get tons of e-mail here at Blowing Smoke. Today, we've decided to open one and answer a random question sent in by a reader. Here we go.



Dear Blowing Smoke,

Just a hypothetical question: Let's say one day you are found dead in a hotel room in Las Vegas. In great detail, please explain what police would find when they enter your room.

Thanks,
Todd Wainscott
Scottsbluff, Nebraska




Blowing Smoke: Thank you for your question, Todd. This is an easy one.

Let's see. For starters, I will be found wearing a powder blue tuxedo with a ruffled white shirt. I will not be wearing any pants. I will, however, have on a pair of Chuck Taylors.

My nose will be broke, and I will have on one boxing glove. I will have a fresh tatoo of a midget fucking a chicken. I will also be wearing a bandana that has the long part in the back to cover the neck. It will be a rebel flag bandana. My teeth will have all been capped in gold. That is it for my appearance, other than I am missing a finger.

In the room on the night table will be a carton of Marlboro Reds, a half drank 40 of Old English, a plate full of premo cokaine, and a steak sandwich.

There will be a dead black guy on the floor. Next to him are two donkeys, and a cow. The animals will be wearing cowboy hats and smoking joints. There will also be a group of trapeeze artists participating in a funneling contest.

In the bathroom, there will be 9 strippers and a mariachi band. They are just sharing some drinks and eating take out sushi.

The bath tub will be filled with Bud in the can, and a woman dressed as Tootie from The Facts of Life will be hanging out with Danny Gans.

Rusty Wallace's car will be in the room, but Rusty Wallace is no where to be found. In one corner there will be an entire minor league hockey team playing a major game of monopoly.

Other than that. The room will look completely normal.