Tuesday, September 26, 2006

E-mailed Baby Pictures Are Complete Abortions

I would hate to be born today.

It has nothing to do with the sadness of being born into a world where news of pop singer Aaron Carter breaking off his engagement with his brother's ex-girlfriend grabs bigger headlines than the war in Iraq.

No, I would hate to be born today because, inevitably, shortly after my birth dozens of people would be receiving e-mailed pictures of my sorry ass. E-mailed baby pictures are complete abortions of the digital age.

In the past few months, I have too many baby pictures e-mailed to me from people I barely fucking know. The hoopla that surrounds newborn babies doesn't interest me. Throw digital cameras and e-mail into the mix, and it is a dangerous concoction.

Let me preface this by making a quick point: There are many very important people in my life who I greatly care about. And when some of them have had kids, I am very moved by the experience. This is not about you.

I am talking about the baby picutres I get from the third cousin of the people who lived next door to my family when I was 12 years old. I'm talking about the baby pictures I get from that person I hung out with for two weeks during my sophomore year of college.

When I get these e-mails, I'm usually one of about 100 people on the e-mail list. This is rude. There's no possible way 100 people care about your new kid. I sure don't.

For starters, every kid looks the same when they are 1-day old. Their faces are bloated. They have a stocking cap on despite the fact they are in a climate-controlled room. Closed eyelids. No hair. No distinguishing physical characteristics. Nothing.

Do you know why sometimes parents accidently take the wrong baby home from the hospital? Because they all look the fucking same.

Why send me a picture of this?

And they all look like they're ready to piss themselves because they have no idea what is going on.

I mean, they just shot out of a vagina. That would scare anybody. All you know for nine months is a uterus that is warm and dark. All of your meals are delivered directly into your body. Suddenly, you pass through a vagina and you're in a loud room with alien-looking people, bright lights and flashbulbs going off every two seconds.

It's like being abducted by aliens.

This is not a happy time for a baby. I guess, however, there is an allure to the peace and tranquility of a newborn. When most people (women) look at a baby, they go, 'Awwww.'

Not me. When I see a baby, I am more realistic. I'm thinking that one day this little girl is going to expose her breasts to hundreds of drunk, horny men on Spring Break in Cancun. Or one day this little boy is going to break into my car and steal my entire CD collection.

I guess my point is this: Hitler was a cute-as-shit baby (see actual Hitler baby picture on the left. What a doll!)

I guess all of this makes me think of one of my favorite lines from comedian David Cross.

"A lot of my friends have kids now. They tell me having a baby is hard. They say, 'Oh, having a baby is so hard.' No, it's not. Talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion ... that's hard. You're just inconvenienced."

Friday, September 08, 2006

The Top 5 Worst Beers You May Be Drinking

5. Bud Light
This is only to be drank when given out for free. And in the can.

Let's say you’re tailgating for the Huey Lewis & The News concert and the crew you’re with has a cooler full of Bud Light, then dive right in and begin discussing whether Huey is going to open with “Hip To Be Square” or “The Power of Love.” Otherwise, stay away.

For starters, it is impossible to get drunk on Bud Light. It has a %4.2 alcohol content, which is just slightly higher than a bottle of Robotussin. The only beer you may ever drink with less alcohol is Amstel Light (%3.5). You'd get a better buzz by licking my kitchen floor.

I am a huge fan of the much more robust Budweiser heavy. Anyone ordering a glass pint of Bud Light should have the keg slammed into their crotch.

Tastes like: Sand
90210 star most likely to drink it: Brandon Walsh

4. Michelob Ultra
Let’s be honest. Anheuser-Busch is a marketing genius for targeting a beer toward every weight-paranoid freak in America.

Mic Ultra is not just a bad beer, it’s a gimmick, a hard curve ball thrown by some marketing faggot who gets paid a huge salary to take advantage of your physical insecurities.

Tastes like: Gym socks.
90210 star most likely to drink it: Donna Martin

3. Samuel Adams
In Middle School you associated Sam Adams with the Intolerable Acts and the Boston Tea Party. In college you associated Sam Adams with a bar named Tasty World and a sorority girl named Allison. By the time you were in your late 20s, anything remotely factual you learned about Adams in school is lost, pushed deep into the recesses of your brain by 12-packs of Summer Ale. Isn’t history fun?

Sam Adams beer is essentially like the tricycle of lager beers. For those American beer drinking assholes, it’s a dangerous - yet safe - play. Ohhhhh! A micro-brew! From Boston! What a joke.

If you gave Sam Adams to someone in a bar in Ireland they would kick you in the knee and call you a pussy.

I wonder when Sam Adams was making a difference as the governor of Massachuessets if he ever knew there would be a shitty beer named after him?

Tastes like: The inside of Paul Revere’s shorts
90210 star most likely to drink it: David Silver

2. Rolling Rock
Have you ever been invited to someone’s house for dinner and they have prepared a special dish or desert. They make a big spectacle of the moment and demand you try it. You put it in your mouth and it tastes like a bicycle chain. Yet, you still have to smile and pretend to like it?

This is how I feel whenever someone gives me a Rolling Rock. Anhueser-Busch bought this shit from a tiny Pennsylvania brewery in May, giving you even more reason to hate it. Anhueser-Busch rivals McDonalds for making billions of dollars off of shitty products.

Rolling Rock sucks you with smoke and mirrors. The green bottle gives the illusion of a tasty beer. Perhaps you mistaken if for Heineken (and you would have to be stinking drunk to do so). Then they spend a few million dollars to have Rolling Rock beers appear in the movie “Old School.” Now, you’re being seduced by the big advertising wand.

Tastes like: Gravel (hence, the name Rolling Rock)
90210 star most likely to drink it: Matt Durning/Kelly Taylor

1. Miller Lite
I wonder if people who drink Miller Lite have decided on their own this is a great tasting beer, or do they drink it because they’ve subconsciously fallen victim to the $80 million Miller Brewing spends in advertising each year to make you feel good about Miller Lite.

You see, everyone who drinks Miller Lite is a tool. In 2000, Miller underwent a major management shake-up. Their sales were stagnant. They came up with a new ad campaign. Ever since, they have produced some of the funniest - and provocative - ads on TV. Miller Lite ads are great. They are cool. They make you laugh. They make you feel good.

So when you go to the bar, and you see that familiar blue and gold Miller Lite label, your subconscious associates that label with good feelings. It’s like Pavlov’s dog.

Miller Lite = feeling good.

So you order a bunch of them, blind to the fact that the aroma is skunked and the beer tastes like cooked cabbage and corn.

You are a tool. A victim of advertising. Somewhere in Milwaukee, a guy in a suit gets paid $500,000 to make sure you feel good enough about Miller Lite that you buy it. You are now his bitch.

Tastes like: Urine
90210 star most likely to drink it: Steve Sanders.

Want to taste real beer? Go order a Newcastle, Red Stripe, Heineken, Sammy Smith’s Oatmeal Stout, Sierra Nevada, Flying Dog, Blue Moon or Beck’s.

That’s what I’m on my way to do.